Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
