This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
