Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
