I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
