Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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