just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
