We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
