he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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