Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
