New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
They have beer where we have blood.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
