This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
