look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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