I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Welp...herpes.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
