The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
