no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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