i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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