yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
