Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
