So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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