hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
