I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
