The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm always down for nudity.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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