I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
