I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
