the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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