So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
