So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize