Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
