i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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