you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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