I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
