All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Found the puke drawer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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