I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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