i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
