I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
