I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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