Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
