party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
