Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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