i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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