at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
