It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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