I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
