You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
