We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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