dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
