Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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