i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize