if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
