I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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