After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
