I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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