So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
