i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
