So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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