I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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