she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
