There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
